“I Can Handle Your Feelings”: What Kids Need Most in Divorce

By Tammy Sutherns

When I sat down with therapist and trauma specialist Jennifer Merrill from Insight Counselling ATX, one thing became clear to me: divorce isn’t the end of a family. It’s the reshaping of one.

Regulate, Connect, Repair

Jennifer’s advice for parents in the early days of divorce is simple but powerful: regulate yourself. Stay connected to your child. Repair when you rupture.

Because rupture is inevitable. Divorce, like parenting, is messy and human. We all get it wrong sometimes. But as Jennifer puts it, “You don’t get hurt on your own, and you don’t heal on your own.” Relationships, even strained ones, can be sources of repair, if we approach them with intention.

“Your kid can go to therapy,” she said, “but they come home to you. If you’re not okay, they can’t be either.”

Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

This is the question that haunts so many parents, especially when their values no longer align. Jennifer is gentle but firm: not if staying together means constant conflict. Kids don't need parents who share a roof. They need parents who model emotional safety, whether that's in one home or two.

Because the truth is, our children are always watching. They're learning how to love, how to argue, how to apologize, and how to self-regulate — and they’re learning that from us.

Don’t Make Your Kids the Messenger

One thing Jennifer emphasized that stuck with me deeply; never use your child as the go-between. Not for scheduling. Not for venting. Not for subtle digs about the new partner.

“Ask yourself: am I doing this for my child, or for me?” she said. “If your child feels responsible for your emotions, it’s time to pause.”

Keep communication with your ex clear, direct, and conflict-free. She recommends the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. And when in doubt, use an app or email trail. Your child’s job is to be a kid, not a translator or therapist.

What Does a Healthy Divorce Look Like?

It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about creating a consistent message of love and connection. It’s about regular check-ins, honest conversations, and letting your child know, again and again, that they are safe and supported.

“Even if everything else feels chaotic,” Jennifer said, “if your child knows they are deeply connected to one regulated parent, they will be okay.”

As someone who lived through a divorce (or two) and now parents from that lived experience, I can’t emphasize enough how true that feels. As Jennifer said, “It's not always the event that causes trauma. It's being left alone with that event in the aftermath that can cause the trauma. So you want to be there with your kids through that so that they're not left alone. You're there to hear how they're feeling. You're there to help coach them through their own emotions. And knowing that they're going to be okay, you're going to be okay, the other parent is going to be okay, and we're going to make it through this.”

Want to hear more from Jennifer? You can hear ourfull conversation in the pod.

Split Resilience is here to support families navigating separation, not by promising perfection, but by helping parents stay present, connected, and emotionally grounded. Because with the right tools and support, families can transition in ways that strengthen, rather than shatter, resilience.