Five Things You Can Do Right Now to Support Your Kids Through a Tough Transition

Because resilience starts with connection, not perfection.

Transitions are hard. Whether it's a separation, a move, a new partner, or another shift in the family dynamic, change can shake the ground beneath our kids' feet. And while you might lie awake at night wondering if they’ll be okay, here’s something to hold onto: they don’t need you to have all the answers. They need you to show up. Consistently. With curiosity. With love. With enough calm to help them feel safe, even when everything else feels up in the air.

Here are five powerful things you can start doing today to help your kids feel more secure, supported, and seen—no Pinterest parenting required.

1. Read Together — Yes, Even With Your Big Kids

Books are a quiet superpower in tough times. They create safe distance between real-life emotions and fictional ones, giving kids the chance to process big feelings without having to say, "this is me."

Pick stories about bravery, belonging, friendship, or change. You can even try graphic novels, poetry, or audiobooks if they’re more your child’s speed. The point isn’t what you read—it’s that you’re carving out time to slow down and be present together. The magic is in the lap, not the literature.

📚 Bonus: Try asking, “What do you think [character] was feeling?” rather than, “How are you feeling?” You might be surprised what comes up.

2. Play With Them — Even When It Feels Silly or Inconvenient

You don’t need a long talk or a deep therapy session to connect with your child. You just need to play.

Roughhousing, LEGO-building, hide-and-seek, baking soda volcanoes—whatever delights them. Play is how kids process the world. It’s how they explore, release stress, and make sense of chaos.

Even 10 minutes of undistracted play can help a child feel seen and soothed. It’s not a distraction from their feelings—it’s often how they move through them.

3. Lead With Curiosity, Not Defensiveness

This one’s hard when you’re tired, triggered, or hanging by a thread (which, if you’re parenting through a major life change, you probably are). But it’s worth practicing.

If your child lashes out—“I hate going back and forth!” or “You never listen!”—try slowing your response. Instead of explaining or correcting, get curious.

🧠 Try this: “That sounds really hard. Can you tell me more about what it feels like?”

You might not like what you hear. You might feel blamed. But when your kids feel safe to express their truth—even if it’s messy—you’re building a relationship that will carry them through more than just this one transition.

4. Create Predictable, Safe Routines (Even Simple Ones)

In the middle of upheaval, routine is a life raft.

This doesn’t mean you need a color-coded calendar or a militant bedtime schedule. It could be as simple as:

• Taco Tuesdays

• A five-minute cuddle before school

• Saying the same phrase every night at bedtime: “I love you. I’m here. We’ve got this.”

Kids don’t need perfection. They need predictability. Small, repeatable moments anchor them—and let them know they can count on you, even when everything else feels uncertain.

5. Reframe Resilience: It’s Not About Toughness—It’s About Feeling Safe

One of the biggest myths about resilience is that it means “being tough.” But resilience isn’t forged in silence or self-reliance. It’s built through connection.

So if your child is teary, clingy, angry, withdrawn—that’s not weakness. That’s a call for co-regulation. It’s their way of asking, "Can I count on you to help me hold this?"

Your job is not to fix it or force a silver lining. It’s to be the steady presence that reminds them they don’t have to go through it alone.

One Last Thought

If you're parenting through divorce or another seismic shift, you’re likely carrying a lot of your own pain too. Be gentle with yourself. You’re not going to get it right every time. You’ll yell. You’ll forget. You’ll feel like a mess. That’s okay.

What matters most is repair. Your willingness to try again, to say sorry, to sit beside them in the storm—that’s what builds trust. That’s what builds resilience.

You’ve got this. And so do they.

Divorce Doesn’t End a Family—It Reshapes It: What Kids Need Most, According to a Family Therapist

When I became a parent, something inside me shifted. The urge to protect my kids wasn’t just primal, it was personal. It touched deep, tender places from my own childhood. As a child of divorce and stepfamily dynamics, I knew the silent weight that family conflict can place on little shoulders.

So when I sat down to speak with Steven Spears, a family therapist with lived experience of divorce and deep professional insight, I expected to learn. What I didn’t expect was to feel seen.

In our conversation, Steven shared something that stopped me: “Kids talk all the time. Just not always with words.”

That sentence alone could be a masterclass in parenting through divorce.

Resilience Isn’t Just Survival—It’s Co-Regulation

We love to say kids are resilient. And they are. But as Steven pointed out, we often mistake silence for strength. That quiet child? The one who "seems fine"? Research says they might be experiencing more stress than the one who cries openly.

Real resilience, Steven says, comes not from enduring hard things in silence—but from having safe places to feel them, process them, and be supported through them.

Repair Is More Powerful Than Perfection

Parents in divorce often lie awake asking the same question: Am I screwing up my kid?

Steven’s response? You probably are. But that’s not the point.

“There’s no perfect parent. If you’re learning, if you’re growing, if you’re trying—you’re doing okay.”

The real magic, he says, is in repair. It’s in the moment you sit on the floor and play the card game. When you listen—really listen—without trying to fix or explain. When your child knows, no matter what, that your presence is a safe place to land.

The Weaponization of Children

In high-conflict separations, children can sometimes become pawns. Steven calls it what it is—weaponization. And it’s harmful. Children shouldn’t be asked to testify in court. They shouldn’t be put in a position to choose one parent over the other. And they absolutely shouldn’t be expected to carry the emotional burden of adult conflict.

“If the court is asking your child to speak, it’s gone too far,” he says.

What Children Need Most

Through the lens of both his childhood and his therapy practice, Steven laid out the simple—though not always easy—ingredients children need during and after divorce:

• Presence: Put down the to-do list. Get in the dirt. Swing at the park. Free play is gold.

• Safety: Emotional safety beats physical gifts every time. Be their home base.

• Repair: You’ll mess up. Go back. Apologize. Reconnect.

• Boundaries: Don’t let your child become the go-between. Keep adult conflict adult-sized.

• Support: Find your own space to process—therapist, friend, support group—so you don’t hand it to your child.

Navigating Co-Parenting (Even When It’s One-Sided)

One of the most gut-wrenching parts of our conversation was about parents who are trying their best... while the other parent isn’t.

Steven’s advice? Your consistent presence, your tenderness, your showing up—it counts. Kids see it. Kids feel it. And it builds a protective layer around them, even when the other home feels unsafe.

If the court mandates visits with a harmful or abusive parent, your role becomes triage. You are the place they come back to. You are the one who helps restore their nervous system. You are the safe harbor in a storm you didn’t choose.

Final Words from Steven

Before we ended, Steven left us with this:

“Don’t bring your unprocessed stuff into your child’s life. They weren’t there when it was created, and they’re not responsible for healing it.”

That hit hard. But it’s true. Divorce doesn’t have to define your child—but how you walk them through it does.

So if you’re in it right now—messy middle, court battles, drop-offs with clenched jaws—I see you. Steven sees you. And you’re not alone.

Want more insights like this?
Subscribe to Split Resilience or follow us on Instagram for weekly support, expert interviews, and real-talk parenting tips from those who’ve walked this road. You can also find the full conversation with Steven in the full podcast here.

Beyond Survival: Building Resilience in the Face of Coercive Co-Parenting

Divorce is rarely simple, but when one parent exerts psychological control, manipulates the narrative, and uses the children as pawns, “high-conflict” barely scratches the surface. For many, it’s not just the end of a marriage. It’s the beginning of an ongoing emotional battlefield that leaves one parent stuck in survival mode — and the kids caught in the crossfire.

In a recent Split Resilience podcast episode, I sat down with twin sisters and co-founders of Divorce Family Mediations, Jan and Jillian Yuhas. Trained in marriage and family psychology, mediation, and coaching, they specialize in helping families untangle the trauma of coercive control while centering the needs of children.

Here’s what I learned — and what every separating or divorcing parent should know.

1. High-Conflict Co-Parenting Isn’t Always Two-Sided

One of the most dangerous myths in family court is that both parents are equally “high-conflict.” According to Jill and Jillian, that’s simply not true in many cases.

“Most often, the safe parent is in survival mode, just trying to protect their children and create stability,” they explained. “Meanwhile, the coercive co-parent thrives on chaos, manipulation, and power plays.”

Tip: If you’re constantly stonewalled, gaslit, or financially destabilized — or if your co-parent is triangulating teachers, therapists, or new partners into the dynamic — you may be experiencing coercive control. It’s not mutual conflict; it’s abuse.

2. The Children May Be Struggling - But Can Be Supported

Children living in coercive co-parenting dynamics often experience anxiety, academic struggles, food and bathroom issues, and even regression in development. Sometimes, they wet the bed only at the safe parent’s home, because that’s the only place they feel safe enough to release tension.

“They blame themselves. They internalize the conflict,” the sisters shared. “And if they grow up without learning emotional intelligence, they become easier to manipulate.”

Tip: Teach your children to identify their feelings, think critically, and form their own beliefs. Scripts, children’s books, and open-ended questions like “What do you think about that?” can help kids build the tools to resist manipulation — gently and safely.

3. Boundaries Aren’t About Control — They’re About Clarity

Forget the Hollywood version of boundaries that sound like ultimatums. Jan and Jillian’s Boundary Badass method takes a values-based approach. Rather than setting limits from fear or reactivity, they help co-parents communicate from shared values — like respect, trust, or child-centered decision-making.

“Your emotional triggers are a clue,” they said. “If you’re feeling disrespected, it’s time to set a boundary around mutual respect.”

Tip: When setting boundaries, ask: What value is being violated here? Lead with curiosity, not control. The more collaborative your tone, the harder it is for a coercive co-parent to justify conflict.

4. A Loophole-Free Parenting Plan Is Your Best Defense

Family court plans often leave massive gaps. That’s why the Yuhas sisters design parenting plans that span 20–30 pages, covering everything from phone usage to blended family dynamics.

“When you’re raising kids between two homes, clarity is your friend. The fewer gray areas, the fewer power struggles.”

Tip: Whether you're in mediation or not, write down everything you’d want outlined for your child’s well-being — including decision-making authority, holiday logistics, medical care, and digital boundaries. Then work with a professional who truly understands trauma-informed co-parenting to put it into a formal plan.

5. You Can’t Outsource Advocacy — But You Can Get Help

Attorneys are overloaded. Courts often miss the nuance of psychological abuse. That’s why documentation is key. Jan and Jillian help clients translate manipulative patterns into professional documentation that attorneys can use in court.

“You must be your own best advocate,” they said. “But you don’t have to do it alone.”

Tip: Track patterns of behavior — not just isolated incidents. Document communication breakdowns, financial control, and psychological tactics. Seek support from professionals who specialize in coercive control so your case reflects the full picture, not just the paperwork.

Start Here, Start Now

If you're in the thick of it — feeling isolated, gaslit, or exhausted by a co-parent who refuses to cooperate — the road ahead can feel impossible. But it isn’t.

Start with education. Start with emotional regulation. Start with one clear boundary rooted in your values.

You don’t need to be perfect — you just need to stay grounded, focused, and aligned with your child’s best interests.

And if you’re looking for guidance, the Yuhas sisters offer coaching, mediation, parenting plan creation, online courses, and documentation support at divorcefamilymediations.com.

Your story isn’t over. In fact, it might just be the beginning of your most resilient chapter yet.

Unseen, But Deeply Felt: Understanding Coercive Control and the Path to Protective Parenting

What is Coercive Control?

Coercive control is not about one blow, one insult, or one fight. It is a patterned, insidious form of abuse designed to entrap a partner through manipulation, intimidation, gaslighting, and isolation. Coercive control erodes a person’s autonomy and sense of self, leaving them psychologically imprisoned long after they’ve physically left the relationship.

Dr. Evan Stark, who pioneered the concept, describes coercive control as "a liberty crime" – an attack on a person’s freedom and integrity. It includes surveillance, threats, financial restrictions, parenting sabotage, and emotional degradation. While it may or may not include physical violence, it always involves an intentional pattern of domination.

Want to dig deeper?

• Dr. Evan Stark on Coercive Control

• Women's Aid - Coercive Control

• The Duluth Power & Control Wheel

At Split Resilience, we believe that naming what’s happening is the first step to dismantling it. That’s why we sat down with Dr. Christine Cocchiola; licensed social worker, educator, researcher, advocate, and survivor—to talk about how coercive control works, how it devastates families, and how protective parents can fight back in the most powerful way: by showing up for their children with presence, consistency, and unwavering love.

Surviving Coercive Control: A Conversation with Dr. Christine Cocchiola

When Dr. Christine Cocchiola was 11 years old, her mother told her about the abuse she endured as a child. That revelation sparked Christine’s lifelong commitment to social justice and child protection. But years later, as an adult, professional, and mother herself, Christine found herself deeply entrenched in a coercively controlling marriage—and didn’t even realize it.

“I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me,” she says. “I went to therapy. I tried to fix myself.”

As a therapist, college professor, and CASA volunteer, Christine was immersed in child welfare and trauma work. And yet, it wasn’t until she encountered Dr. Stark’s research on coercive control that she had the language to name what she’d endured.

What followed was a harrowing journey: over two decades of emotional erosion, attempts to leave met with manipulation and escalation, and finally, a moment of devastating clarity when Christine learned of her husband’s long-term affair. That betrayal, she says, was the final mirror: “That was the moment I knew the kids would see it. It was something tangible. The gaslighting, the lies, the stalking—those things I didn’t think I could show them. But this? This, they would understand.”

The Trauma We Don’t See

As Christine powerfully puts it, “If you can't see the abuse, it can cause even more trauma.”

Coercive control often doesn’t leave bruises. Instead, it leaves victims doubting their memory, mistrusting their instincts, and trying desperately to “be better” in a system designed to destroy them. The manipulation is so calculated that even small acts of sabotage—like hiding coffee beans—can go unnoticed or unprocessed for months.

And it doesn't stop with the partner. Children in these dynamics become pawns. “They are not witnesses,” Christine emphasizes. “They are victims of abuse.” When one parent weaponizes a child against the other—through lies, manipulation, indulgence, or emotional neglect—the child is being trained to reject the safe parent. Often, the most empathetic, nurturing parent is the one blamed, shamed, or erased.

Healing Through Protective Parenting

Christine's Protective Parenting Program was born out of this hard-earned insight. Her approach is rooted in gentle parenting and attachment theory but uniquely tailored to address the trauma of children who have been psychologically coerced against one of their parents.

“It’s about re-fortifying the bond,” she explains. “If you created that bond when you held that baby in your arms, it can never be completely broken. You can show up again, with consistency, with calm, with intention.”

The key pillars?

• Stop jading (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining)

• Minimize reactivity

• Lead with calm, grounded presence

• Offer safe attachment and trust

Small actions matter. Instead of greeting your child at the door with worry and urgency, maybe you’re casually in another room. Instead of reacting to rejection, you create new entry points for connection. “It’s intentional parenting on a whole other level,” Christine says. “Imagine they come home with a thousand paper cuts. How would you treat them?”

The Injustice of the System

The family court system often fails protective parents. Abusers, who are typically high in traits like narcissism, manipulation, and even sadism, know how to perform strength and competence. Protective parents, meanwhile, are painted as emotional, erratic, and overly involved. “Women are held to a higher standard,” Christine says. “A dad does one thing and he's a hero. A mom does nine things and she's accused of alienation.”

While coercive control is now recognized legally in the UK and parts of Australia, the U.S. is lagging. What’s needed, Christine argues, is a massive shift in professional understanding across the legal, mental health, and educational sectors.

So, What Can You Do?

If you suspect you are experiencing coercive control:

• Start documenting. Keep a log. Make a list. Don’t minimize it.

• Remember: your instincts are not broken. You are being systematically manipulated to believe they are.

• Find community. Healing happens in shared stories.

• Seek out trauma-informed therapists who assess for abuse.

And above all: Know that you are not alone.

As Christine puts it: “Your child is still in there. That bond is still there. And the abuser did not break you. You are still standing.”

Green Flags in a Relationship

According to Dr. Cocchiola, here are some key green flags to look for in a healthy partnership:

• You feel safe expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear

• You are allowed to maintain your autonomy and independence

• There is mutual respect and trust

• Conflict is approached with curiosity, not control

• There is consistency between what your partner says and does

• You feel supported—not isolated—from friends, family, and community

• Accountability is present: your partner can own mistakes without deflecting or blaming

Resources:

• Coercive Control Consulting

• I Know Your Heart

• Perfect Prey Podcast

• TEDx Talk by Dr. Christine Cocchiola

Stay tuned for the launch of Christine’s children’s book and more updates on how Split Resilience is creating tools and conversations that help parents rise, rebuild, and reclaim connection.

If this post resonated with you, or you know a parent in the fog of coercion and confusion—please share. Your voice might be the one that helps someone name what’s been silently destroying them.

Divorcing? What Hurts Kids Isn’t the Separation — It’s the Emotional Crossfire

Many parents worry that divorce will cause lifelong damage to their children. But here’s the truth backed by decades of research and real-life clinical experience: It’s not the divorce itself that harms children. It’s the way parents handle the conflict that often surrounds it.

Conflict is the Culprit, Not Divorce

Dr. Michael Rubino, a family therapist with over 25 years of experience, puts it simply: “What ruins a child’s life is how their parents act prior to or after the divorce.” In his clinical practice, many children have expressed relief when their parents finally separated — not because they didn’t love both parents, but because they could finally escape the constant emotional turmoil at home.

Chronic exposure to conflict — yelling, manipulation, silent treatment, or tension that hangs heavy in the air — can leave lasting emotional scars. According to a landmark study published in Child Development, children exposed to high levels of marital conflict (even in intact families) are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and difficulty in future relationships (Cummings & Davies, 2010).

Children Internalize Conflict

When parents fight regularly, children often believe the conflict is their fault. As Dr. Rubino notes, “Children believe that if they were better people, then their parents wouldn’t be fighting.” This internalized guilt erodes their self-esteem and can lead to long-term issues with trust, emotional regulation, and forming healthy relationships later in life.

They may not talk about it — out of fear, shame, or loyalty to both parents — but the effects show up in their behavior. Younger children may act out in school. Teens may withdraw, use substances, or seek validation in unsafe relationships. These aren’t signs of “bad kids.” These are signs of children trying to make sense of chaos.

Weaponizing Kids Is the Real Damage

Conflict doesn’t always stop after divorce. In fact, when parents use their children as messengers, allies, or leverage in legal battles, the emotional fallout intensifies.

Children are not equipped to process adult-level conflict. Sharing court updates, venting about the other parent, or making a child feel like they must “choose sides” causes distress and confusion. A study in Family Court Review found that children caught in high-conflict custody arrangements are at greater risk of emotional problems than those whose parents divorced amicably (Johnston, 1994).

So What Protects Children During Divorce?

The evidence is clear: Children do best when parents act with emotional maturity, even when the relationship ends. That means:

• Staying civil during and after separation

• Not using the child as a go-between or emotional support

• Agreeing on consistent routines and boundaries

• Supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent

• Seeking neutral support like therapists or mediators

Rubino puts it perfectly: “You can always decide to divorce each other, but that doesn’t mean you stop being parents together.” Co-parenting is a lifelong commitment — through birthdays, graduations, weddings, and future grandchildren.

Looking for support to co-parent peacefully? Get in touch.

“I Can Handle Your Feelings”: What Kids Need Most in Divorce

By Tammy Sutherns

When I sat down with therapist and trauma specialist Jennifer Merrill from Insight Counselling ATX, one thing became clear to me: divorce isn’t the end of a family. It’s the reshaping of one.

Regulate, Connect, Repair

Jennifer’s advice for parents in the early days of divorce is simple but powerful: regulate yourself. Stay connected to your child. Repair when you rupture.

Because rupture is inevitable. Divorce, like parenting, is messy and human. We all get it wrong sometimes. But as Jennifer puts it, “You don’t get hurt on your own, and you don’t heal on your own.” Relationships, even strained ones, can be sources of repair, if we approach them with intention.

“Your kid can go to therapy,” she said, “but they come home to you. If you’re not okay, they can’t be either.”

Should We Stay Together for the Kids?

This is the question that haunts so many parents, especially when their values no longer align. Jennifer is gentle but firm: not if staying together means constant conflict. Kids don't need parents who share a roof. They need parents who model emotional safety, whether that's in one home or two.

Because the truth is, our children are always watching. They're learning how to love, how to argue, how to apologize, and how to self-regulate — and they’re learning that from us.

Don’t Make Your Kids the Messenger

One thing Jennifer emphasized that stuck with me deeply; never use your child as the go-between. Not for scheduling. Not for venting. Not for subtle digs about the new partner.

“Ask yourself: am I doing this for my child, or for me?” she said. “If your child feels responsible for your emotions, it’s time to pause.”

Keep communication with your ex clear, direct, and conflict-free. She recommends the BIFF method: Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. And when in doubt, use an app or email trail. Your child’s job is to be a kid, not a translator or therapist.

What Does a Healthy Divorce Look Like?

It’s not about having all the answers. It’s about creating a consistent message of love and connection. It’s about regular check-ins, honest conversations, and letting your child know, again and again, that they are safe and supported.

“Even if everything else feels chaotic,” Jennifer said, “if your child knows they are deeply connected to one regulated parent, they will be okay.”

As someone who lived through a divorce (or two) and now parents from that lived experience, I can’t emphasize enough how true that feels. As Jennifer said, “It's not always the event that causes trauma. It's being left alone with that event in the aftermath that can cause the trauma. So you want to be there with your kids through that so that they're not left alone. You're there to hear how they're feeling. You're there to help coach them through their own emotions. And knowing that they're going to be okay, you're going to be okay, the other parent is going to be okay, and we're going to make it through this.”

Want to hear more from Jennifer? You can hear ourfull conversation in the pod.

Split Resilience is here to support families navigating separation, not by promising perfection, but by helping parents stay present, connected, and emotionally grounded. Because with the right tools and support, families can transition in ways that strengthen, rather than shatter, resilience.