Divorce Doesn’t End a Family—It Reshapes It: What Kids Need Most, According to a Family Therapist

When I became a parent, something inside me shifted. The urge to protect my kids wasn’t just primal, it was personal. It touched deep, tender places from my own childhood. As a child of divorce and stepfamily dynamics, I knew the silent weight that family conflict can place on little shoulders.

So when I sat down to speak with Steven Spears, a family therapist with lived experience of divorce and deep professional insight, I expected to learn. What I didn’t expect was to feel seen.

In our conversation, Steven shared something that stopped me: “Kids talk all the time. Just not always with words.”

That sentence alone could be a masterclass in parenting through divorce.

Resilience Isn’t Just Survival—It’s Co-Regulation

We love to say kids are resilient. And they are. But as Steven pointed out, we often mistake silence for strength. That quiet child? The one who "seems fine"? Research says they might be experiencing more stress than the one who cries openly.

Real resilience, Steven says, comes not from enduring hard things in silence—but from having safe places to feel them, process them, and be supported through them.

Repair Is More Powerful Than Perfection

Parents in divorce often lie awake asking the same question: Am I screwing up my kid?

Steven’s response? You probably are. But that’s not the point.

“There’s no perfect parent. If you’re learning, if you’re growing, if you’re trying—you’re doing okay.”

The real magic, he says, is in repair. It’s in the moment you sit on the floor and play the card game. When you listen—really listen—without trying to fix or explain. When your child knows, no matter what, that your presence is a safe place to land.

The Weaponization of Children

In high-conflict separations, children can sometimes become pawns. Steven calls it what it is—weaponization. And it’s harmful. Children shouldn’t be asked to testify in court. They shouldn’t be put in a position to choose one parent over the other. And they absolutely shouldn’t be expected to carry the emotional burden of adult conflict.

“If the court is asking your child to speak, it’s gone too far,” he says.

What Children Need Most

Through the lens of both his childhood and his therapy practice, Steven laid out the simple—though not always easy—ingredients children need during and after divorce:

• Presence: Put down the to-do list. Get in the dirt. Swing at the park. Free play is gold.

• Safety: Emotional safety beats physical gifts every time. Be their home base.

• Repair: You’ll mess up. Go back. Apologize. Reconnect.

• Boundaries: Don’t let your child become the go-between. Keep adult conflict adult-sized.

• Support: Find your own space to process—therapist, friend, support group—so you don’t hand it to your child.

Navigating Co-Parenting (Even When It’s One-Sided)

One of the most gut-wrenching parts of our conversation was about parents who are trying their best... while the other parent isn’t.

Steven’s advice? Your consistent presence, your tenderness, your showing up—it counts. Kids see it. Kids feel it. And it builds a protective layer around them, even when the other home feels unsafe.

If the court mandates visits with a harmful or abusive parent, your role becomes triage. You are the place they come back to. You are the one who helps restore their nervous system. You are the safe harbor in a storm you didn’t choose.

Final Words from Steven

Before we ended, Steven left us with this:

“Don’t bring your unprocessed stuff into your child’s life. They weren’t there when it was created, and they’re not responsible for healing it.”

That hit hard. But it’s true. Divorce doesn’t have to define your child—but how you walk them through it does.

So if you’re in it right now—messy middle, court battles, drop-offs with clenched jaws—I see you. Steven sees you. And you’re not alone.

Want more insights like this?
Subscribe to Split Resilience or follow us on Instagram for weekly support, expert interviews, and real-talk parenting tips from those who’ve walked this road. You can also find the full conversation with Steven in the full podcast here.