Beyond Survival: Building Resilience in the Face of Coercive Co-Parenting

Divorce is rarely simple, but when one parent exerts psychological control, manipulates the narrative, and uses the children as pawns, “high-conflict” barely scratches the surface. For many, it’s not just the end of a marriage. It’s the beginning of an ongoing emotional battlefield that leaves one parent stuck in survival mode — and the kids caught in the crossfire.

In a recent Split Resilience podcast episode, I sat down with twin sisters and co-founders of Divorce Family Mediations, Jan and Jillian Yuhas. Trained in marriage and family psychology, mediation, and coaching, they specialize in helping families untangle the trauma of coercive control while centering the needs of children.

Here’s what I learned — and what every separating or divorcing parent should know.

1. High-Conflict Co-Parenting Isn’t Always Two-Sided

One of the most dangerous myths in family court is that both parents are equally “high-conflict.” According to Jill and Jillian, that’s simply not true in many cases.

“Most often, the safe parent is in survival mode, just trying to protect their children and create stability,” they explained. “Meanwhile, the coercive co-parent thrives on chaos, manipulation, and power plays.”

Tip: If you’re constantly stonewalled, gaslit, or financially destabilized — or if your co-parent is triangulating teachers, therapists, or new partners into the dynamic — you may be experiencing coercive control. It’s not mutual conflict; it’s abuse.

2. The Children May Be Struggling - But Can Be Supported

Children living in coercive co-parenting dynamics often experience anxiety, academic struggles, food and bathroom issues, and even regression in development. Sometimes, they wet the bed only at the safe parent’s home, because that’s the only place they feel safe enough to release tension.

“They blame themselves. They internalize the conflict,” the sisters shared. “And if they grow up without learning emotional intelligence, they become easier to manipulate.”

Tip: Teach your children to identify their feelings, think critically, and form their own beliefs. Scripts, children’s books, and open-ended questions like “What do you think about that?” can help kids build the tools to resist manipulation — gently and safely.

3. Boundaries Aren’t About Control — They’re About Clarity

Forget the Hollywood version of boundaries that sound like ultimatums. Jan and Jillian’s Boundary Badass method takes a values-based approach. Rather than setting limits from fear or reactivity, they help co-parents communicate from shared values — like respect, trust, or child-centered decision-making.

“Your emotional triggers are a clue,” they said. “If you’re feeling disrespected, it’s time to set a boundary around mutual respect.”

Tip: When setting boundaries, ask: What value is being violated here? Lead with curiosity, not control. The more collaborative your tone, the harder it is for a coercive co-parent to justify conflict.

4. A Loophole-Free Parenting Plan Is Your Best Defense

Family court plans often leave massive gaps. That’s why the Yuhas sisters design parenting plans that span 20–30 pages, covering everything from phone usage to blended family dynamics.

“When you’re raising kids between two homes, clarity is your friend. The fewer gray areas, the fewer power struggles.”

Tip: Whether you're in mediation or not, write down everything you’d want outlined for your child’s well-being — including decision-making authority, holiday logistics, medical care, and digital boundaries. Then work with a professional who truly understands trauma-informed co-parenting to put it into a formal plan.

5. You Can’t Outsource Advocacy — But You Can Get Help

Attorneys are overloaded. Courts often miss the nuance of psychological abuse. That’s why documentation is key. Jan and Jillian help clients translate manipulative patterns into professional documentation that attorneys can use in court.

“You must be your own best advocate,” they said. “But you don’t have to do it alone.”

Tip: Track patterns of behavior — not just isolated incidents. Document communication breakdowns, financial control, and psychological tactics. Seek support from professionals who specialize in coercive control so your case reflects the full picture, not just the paperwork.

Start Here, Start Now

If you're in the thick of it — feeling isolated, gaslit, or exhausted by a co-parent who refuses to cooperate — the road ahead can feel impossible. But it isn’t.

Start with education. Start with emotional regulation. Start with one clear boundary rooted in your values.

You don’t need to be perfect — you just need to stay grounded, focused, and aligned with your child’s best interests.

And if you’re looking for guidance, the Yuhas sisters offer coaching, mediation, parenting plan creation, online courses, and documentation support at divorcefamilymediations.com.

Your story isn’t over. In fact, it might just be the beginning of your most resilient chapter yet.