Unseen, But Deeply Felt: Understanding Coercive Control and the Path to Protective Parenting
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is not about one blow, one insult, or one fight. It is a patterned, insidious form of abuse designed to entrap a partner through manipulation, intimidation, gaslighting, and isolation. Coercive control erodes a person’s autonomy and sense of self, leaving them psychologically imprisoned long after they’ve physically left the relationship.
Dr. Evan Stark, who pioneered the concept, describes coercive control as "a liberty crime" – an attack on a person’s freedom and integrity. It includes surveillance, threats, financial restrictions, parenting sabotage, and emotional degradation. While it may or may not include physical violence, it always involves an intentional pattern of domination.
Want to dig deeper?
At Split Resilience, we believe that naming what’s happening is the first step to dismantling it. That’s why we sat down with Dr. Christine Cocchiola; licensed social worker, educator, researcher, advocate, and survivor—to talk about how coercive control works, how it devastates families, and how protective parents can fight back in the most powerful way: by showing up for their children with presence, consistency, and unwavering love.
Surviving Coercive Control: A Conversation with Dr. Christine Cocchiola
When Dr. Christine Cocchiola was 11 years old, her mother told her about the abuse she endured as a child. That revelation sparked Christine’s lifelong commitment to social justice and child protection. But years later, as an adult, professional, and mother herself, Christine found herself deeply entrenched in a coercively controlling marriage—and didn’t even realize it.
“I knew something was wrong, but I thought it was me,” she says. “I went to therapy. I tried to fix myself.”
As a therapist, college professor, and CASA volunteer, Christine was immersed in child welfare and trauma work. And yet, it wasn’t until she encountered Dr. Stark’s research on coercive control that she had the language to name what she’d endured.
What followed was a harrowing journey: over two decades of emotional erosion, attempts to leave met with manipulation and escalation, and finally, a moment of devastating clarity when Christine learned of her husband’s long-term affair. That betrayal, she says, was the final mirror: “That was the moment I knew the kids would see it. It was something tangible. The gaslighting, the lies, the stalking—those things I didn’t think I could show them. But this? This, they would understand.”
The Trauma We Don’t See
As Christine powerfully puts it, “If you can't see the abuse, it can cause even more trauma.”
Coercive control often doesn’t leave bruises. Instead, it leaves victims doubting their memory, mistrusting their instincts, and trying desperately to “be better” in a system designed to destroy them. The manipulation is so calculated that even small acts of sabotage—like hiding coffee beans—can go unnoticed or unprocessed for months.
And it doesn't stop with the partner. Children in these dynamics become pawns. “They are not witnesses,” Christine emphasizes. “They are victims of abuse.” When one parent weaponizes a child against the other—through lies, manipulation, indulgence, or emotional neglect—the child is being trained to reject the safe parent. Often, the most empathetic, nurturing parent is the one blamed, shamed, or erased.
Healing Through Protective Parenting
Christine's Protective Parenting Program was born out of this hard-earned insight. Her approach is rooted in gentle parenting and attachment theory but uniquely tailored to address the trauma of children who have been psychologically coerced against one of their parents.
“It’s about re-fortifying the bond,” she explains. “If you created that bond when you held that baby in your arms, it can never be completely broken. You can show up again, with consistency, with calm, with intention.”
The key pillars?
Stop jading (Justifying, Arguing, Defending, Explaining)
Minimize reactivity
Lead with calm, grounded presence
Offer safe attachment and trust
Small actions matter. Instead of greeting your child at the door with worry and urgency, maybe you’re casually in another room. Instead of reacting to rejection, you create new entry points for connection. “It’s intentional parenting on a whole other level,” Christine says. “Imagine they come home with a thousand paper cuts. How would you treat them?”
The Injustice of the System
The family court system often fails protective parents. Abusers, who are typically high in traits like narcissism, manipulation, and even sadism, know how to perform strength and competence. Protective parents, meanwhile, are painted as emotional, erratic, and overly involved. “Women are held to a higher standard,” Christine says. “A dad does one thing and he's a hero. A mom does nine things and she's accused of alienation.”
While coercive control is now recognized legally in the UK and parts of Australia, the U.S. is lagging. What’s needed, Christine argues, is a massive shift in professional understanding across the legal, mental health, and educational sectors.
So, What Can You Do?
If you suspect you are experiencing coercive control:
Start documenting. Keep a log. Make a list. Don’t minimize it.
Remember: your instincts are not broken. You are being systematically manipulated to believe they are.
Find community. Healing happens in shared stories.
Seek out trauma-informed therapists who assess for abuse.
And above all: Know that you are not alone.
As Christine puts it: “Your child is still in there. That bond is still there. And the abuser did not break you. You are still standing.”
Green Flags in a Relationship
According to Dr. Cocchiola, here are some key green flags to look for in a healthy partnership:
You feel safe expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear
You are allowed to maintain your autonomy and independence
There is mutual respect and trust
Conflict is approached with curiosity, not control
There is consistency between what your partner says and does
You feel supported—not isolated—from friends, family, and community
Accountability is present: your partner can own mistakes without deflecting or blaming
Resources:
Stay tuned for the launch of Christine’s children’s book and more updates on how Split Resilience is creating tools and conversations that help parents rise, rebuild, and reclaim connection.
If this post resonated with you, or you know a parent in the fog of coercion and confusion—please share. Your voice might be the one that helps someone name what’s been silently destroying them.
