Divorcing? What Hurts Kids Isn’t the Separation — It’s the Emotional Crossfire
Many parents worry that divorce will cause lifelong damage to their children. But here’s the truth backed by decades of research and real-life clinical experience: It’s not the divorce itself that harms children. It’s the way parents handle the conflict that often surrounds it.
Conflict is the Culprit, Not Divorce
Dr. Michael Rubino, a family therapist with over 25 years of experience, puts it simply: “What ruins a child’s life is how their parents act prior to or after the divorce.” In his clinical practice, many children have expressed relief when their parents finally separated — not because they didn’t love both parents, but because they could finally escape the constant emotional turmoil at home.
Chronic exposure to conflict — yelling, manipulation, silent treatment, or tension that hangs heavy in the air — can leave lasting emotional scars. According to a landmark study published in Child Development, children exposed to high levels of marital conflict (even in intact families) are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and difficulty in future relationships (Cummings & Davies, 2010).
Children Internalize Conflict
When parents fight regularly, children often believe the conflict is their fault. As Dr. Rubino notes, “Children believe that if they were better people, then their parents wouldn’t be fighting.” This internalized guilt erodes their self-esteem and can lead to long-term issues with trust, emotional regulation, and forming healthy relationships later in life.
They may not talk about it — out of fear, shame, or loyalty to both parents — but the effects show up in their behavior. Younger children may act out in school. Teens may withdraw, use substances, or seek validation in unsafe relationships. These aren’t signs of “bad kids.” These are signs of children trying to make sense of chaos.
Weaponizing Kids Is the Real Damage
Conflict doesn’t always stop after divorce. In fact, when parents use their children as messengers, allies, or leverage in legal battles, the emotional fallout intensifies.
Children are not equipped to process adult-level conflict. Sharing court updates, venting about the other parent, or making a child feel like they must “choose sides” causes distress and confusion. A study in Family Court Review found that children caught in high-conflict custody arrangements are at greater risk of emotional problems than those whose parents divorced amicably (Johnston, 1994).
So What Protects Children During Divorce?
The evidence is clear: Children do best when parents act with emotional maturity, even when the relationship ends. That means:
Staying civil during and after separation
Not using the child as a go-between or emotional support
Agreeing on consistent routines and boundaries
Supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent
Seeking neutral support like therapists or mediators
Rubino puts it perfectly: “You can always decide to divorce each other, but that doesn’t mean you stop being parents together.” Co-parenting is a lifelong commitment — through birthdays, graduations, weddings, and future grandchildren.
Looking for support to co-parent peacefully? Get in touch.
