“It’s Not Your Fault”: What One Man Who Grew Up in Divorce Wants Every Parent to Know
At Split Resilience, we often say that divorce isn’t just a legal process — it’s an emotional ecosystem. When a family changes shape, every person inside it is trying to find new footing.
For parents, that often means balancing heartbreak with hope, guilt with grit. For kids, it can mean silence, confusion, and a question that quietly echoes through so many homes: “Was this my fault?”
That’s where our recent conversation with Joey Pontarelli, founder of Restored, hits home. Joey has turned his own childhood pain into a mission to help others heal — and what he shared is something every divorcing parent should hear.
The Day Everything Changed
Joey was 11 when his parents divorced. He still remembers the moment.
“I hid in the closet and cried. I felt abandoned. I thought it was my fault.”
It’s the kind of memory that sits quietly inside many adults who once were those children. That mix of shock, loss, and self-blame can shape how kids see love for the rest of their lives.
Joey said that loneliness, the kind that makes a kid feel invisible, is one of the biggest wounds children of divorce carry into adulthood. And it’s something parents can help prevent, even in the hardest seasons.
When “Your Best” Still Doesn’t Feel Like Enough
Joey’s mom was doing everything she could: raising kids, working, holding life together on her own.
But like so many parents, she didn’t have enough support to be both mom and dad, caregiver and confidant, provider and comforter.
“There are times when your best isn’t good enough for your kids,” Joey told me. “Not because you don’t care, but because you’re stretched too thin.”
It’s a hard truth, but it’s also a freeing one. Divorce doesn’t require perfection, it calls for presence. What children need most isn’t a polished version of you; it’s a parent who’s honest, calm, and emotionally available.
The Hidden Weight Kids Carry
When parents separate, kids often take on jobs no one meant to give them:
Messenger: “Can you tell your dad I said—”
Peacemaker: “If I just behave, maybe they’ll stop fighting.”
Confidant: “You’re the only one who really gets me.”
Joey remembers that dynamic vividly.
“We became the middlemen. Mom and Dad didn’t talk, so they passed messages through us. It made me feel responsible for their relationship, and that’s too heavy for a child.”
Even well-intentioned parents can accidentally place emotional burdens on their kids. Recognizing that, and adjusting, can be one of the most protective things you ever do.
What Kids Actually Need From You
Joey’s work with Restored focuses on helping young adults heal from family breakdown. Over time, he’s seen patterns, and he’s learned what makes the biggest difference.
Here are four truths that stuck with me:
Don’t sugarcoat it.
Telling your child that “everyone’s happier now” only teaches them to doubt their own feelings. Name what’s hard. Let them know sadness and anger are normal and safe to talk about.Help them find other safe adults.
Your child might not want to share everything with you — and that’s okay. Connect them with a trusted teacher, therapist, or coach who can listen without judgment.Keep saying it: It’s not your fault.
Joey hears this from nearly every young person he mentors, they wonder if they caused it. Your job is to make that message unmissable:“There’s nothing you did to cause it. Nothing you could’ve done to prevent it. And it’s not your job to fix it.”
Model healthy love.
Kids need to see that love can be safe again. Surround them with friends or relatives whose relationships are kind, respectful, and stable. That’s how they’ll learn what’s possible.
Healing Is a Family Project
Today, Joey is married with children of his own. He’s built a community for young people from divorced families who are learning that their story doesn’t have to end in fear or repetition.
His message to parents is both simple and powerful: “You haven’t ruined your kids. Even if you couldn’t save your marriage, you can still save their sense of safety, trust, and belonging. That’s what really matters.”
A Note from Split Resilience
At Split Resilience, we believe that healing from divorce isn’t just about moving on, it’s about moving through with awareness, care, and connection.
Conversations like this one remind us that children don’t need perfect families; they need honest ones.
If you’re navigating separation, we see you. You’re doing one of the hardest, most important things: trying to protect your child’s heart while rebuilding your own.
You’re not alone in that work — and we’re here to walk with you.
