Breaking it to your kids: "We're getting a divorce.

Here’s what the evidence tells us about supporting kids through “the talk”:

• Keep it simple. Studies on children’s adjustment show that clear, age-appropriate language reduces anxiety (Wolchik et al., 2002). One or two sentences are enough:
  “We’ve decided we can’t stay married, but we both love you and will always care for you.”

• Reassure them immediately. In interviews, children consistently say they wondered if the divorce was their fault (Afifi et al., 2006). Make it crystal clear:
  “This is not your fault.”

• Anchor in love and consistency. Resilience research shows that maintaining routine, bedtime, meals, rituals, is one of the strongest protective factors for children (Masten, 2001). Small daily consistencies add up to big feelings of safety.

• Check for understanding. Kids don’t always hear what you think you said. Try: “What did you hear me say?” This opens space to correct misconceptions and shows you’re listening.

• Leave space for feelings. Research by Hetherington & Kelly (2002) found that children who had room to express emotions and felt validated by parents adapted better long-term. Your calm presence teaches them: “Your feelings matter, and you’re safe sharing them.”

If you’re preparing for this conversation, please hear me: you don’t have to say it perfectly. What matters most is your presence, your love, and your willingness to return to the conversation again and again.

The truth is, your child probably will remember this moment. And with your steadiness, they can also remember it as the beginning of a story where resilience took root.

References & Links

1. Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development.
   American Psychologist, 56(3), 227–238.
   ➡️ APA full text
   Summary: Foundational article showing resilience arises from ordinary, everyday systems like family routines and supportive relationships.

2. Masten, A. S., & Cicchetti, D. (2016). Resilience in development: Progress and transformation.
   Developmental Psychopathology, 4, 271–333.
   ➡️ Cambridge University Press abstract
   Summary: Reviews decades of resilience science, showing how parenting and communication practices buffer children through adversity.

3. Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., et al. (2002). Six-year follow-up of preventive interventions for children of divorce: A randomized controlled trial.
   Journal of the American Medical Association, 288(15), 1874–1881.
   ➡️ PubMed Abstract
   Summary: Demonstrates that structured, supportive interventions for divorced families improve children’s mental health outcomes years later.

4. Afifi, T. D., McManus, T., Hutchinson, S., & Baker, B. (2006). Inappropriate parental divorce disclosures, the factors that prompt them, and their impact on parents and children.
   Communication Monographs, 73(1), 78–102.
   ➡️ Research Gate abstract
   Summary: Shows how children often blame themselves for divorce, and why simple, reassuring communication matters.

5. Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For Better or for Worse: Divorce Reconsidered.
   ➡️ Amazon link
   Summary: Seminal book based on 30 years of research on children and divorce, highlighting the long-term importance of supportive, open communication.